Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
